


it's not lying, it's pretending

by unnaturalife



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Not so sad, but sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 06:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5280818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnaturalife/pseuds/unnaturalife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He closes his eyes so then he can pretend it’s her. He can pretend that it is her voice – reverberating through his being and making everything feel alright again. He closes his eyes so he can also lie to himself and imagine that those are her fingers. (...) He closes his eyes and goes back to a time that was happier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not lying, it's pretending

“Doctor...”

He closes his eyes so then he can pretend it’s _her_. He can pretend that it is her voice – reverberating through his being and making everything feel alright again.

He closes his eyes so he can also lie to himself and imagine that those are her fingers. Touching him, and feeling him and marking him. He can pretend the digits are hers, even though the weight of Clara’s hand is _so so so_ different and she touches him like she is _admiring_ him, when all Rose ever did was _cure_ him.

(Oh, how he wanted to be cured again.)

He closes his eyes for Clara’s sake too. He closes them, because it’s very wrong of him to create other scenes in his head, to use her touches to remind him of someone who is way gone. He closes his eyes so Clara doesn’t see the sadness in them. He closes them because he loves Clara but not in _the right way_.

He closes his eyes and goes back to a time that was happier. He closes them and it’s so unfair, _she_ has other him; why is he here so alone and lost and desperate?

(He is not alone. He is not alone. He is not alone.

He needs to understand that.)

He closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see how he’s being a _traitor_. He closes them so he doesn’t have to ask himself who he is betraying, because the question is the worst part – it doesn’t have an answer and it _should_ have an answer. And it should be someone who is right here with him and it’s _her._

He closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to deal with the pathetic excuse of a man he is being. He doesn’t want to see that.

He closes his eyes so he can be happy. He tries, at least.

He closes his eyes because sometimes – _many many many_ sometimes – he hopes that when he opens them, he is looking at her: beautiful and brilliant Rose who never left.

He opens his eyes and it isn’t her.

It will never be.

It’s Clara.

Sweaty and wonderful and amazing and intelligent Clara.

(He hates himself.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'll always be a sucker for Doctor/Rose ): Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> Hope that you liked it!


End file.
